Wandering into our room, I spy Tanny lounging around in a scruffy black t-shirt and ripped jeans on our double bed, hair soaking wet which is the only real indication he has even had a wash!
Smirking as I waltz in I jeer at him,"Jeeez dude, have you actually put soap on or what? Bearing in mind your time management totally sucks and you're never on time for anything, what the fuck?! You're ready?!!!"
I can tell from the look on Tanny's face that he is not sure how to react initially - should he ask me how things were in the world of Khan or just run with how I was behaving now - and he goes for the latter clearly assuming if I wanted to talk about things I would in my own time, "Yeah well, when Auntie Poppy told me food was a'comin, let's just say I said goodbye to frivolities such as soap - nothing gets in the way of the Tanster and food....glorious foooooooodddd!!!Hahahahahaha!" Tanny says in a triumphant voice laughing mockingly like a mad man.
I chuckle slightly and then grabbing a shirt and some jeans from my seriously over-sized wheelie bag, I dash into the bathroom with a towel.
More akin to a wet room than bathroom, the perfectly rectangular shaped room has a sink at one side with the toilet neighbouring it and a mirror hanging above the sink; the shower stands on its lonesome on the other side.
There is little more than a small grove running along the bottom of the floor to a small hole in the wall to allow the running water to spill out, that divides the two halves and I lean across this threshold and turn on the shower to allow the naturally sun-boiled water to simmer slightly before I am completely scolded.
I put my clothes on the towel rail and walk over to the mirror and staring at my reflection, slowly undo the buttons of my punjabi and pull it up and over my head.
I hold it initially, pulling it tightly between my hands which inexplicably become tense but before any tears emerge, I fold it away gently and hang it onto the rail.
Similarly, I take off my pyjamas too and lightly stroke the streaks of mud along the legs and in particular the knees before doing the same with these and placing next to their brethren punjabi.
I pause slightly and then jumping in and out of the shower almost as quick as I am sure Tanny did, throw on my shirt and jeans and gently folding my cotton white and brown stained pyjama-punjabi, carry those over to my bag to replace the empty space left from removing the clothes I now had on; the towel I had used to dry myself thrown over my shoulders before landing as a heap on the floor next to the bag.
As I bend to pick it up, my lanky cousin Sajid knocks and enters the room, initially clearly wondering why I had my arse in the air with Tanny lying porn-esquely on the bed but quickly coughing he announces almost regally, "Dinner has been served, brothers - follow me and I'll show you to the dining room where the elders await".
Looking at each other, Tanny and I smirk to each other as we can see the thoughts Sajid is having written all over his face, so as we follow Sajid out just to wind the little guy up, I slap Tanny on the arse and he giggles intentionally like a camp guy and shrieks, "OOoo, Sailor!"...at this, Sajid practically darts ten steps ahead spotting this from the corner of his eyes but saying nothing although he coughs again.
As he marches on I quickly catch up with him as we all walk towards the white building and work our way up to the third floor where we had been having breakfast earlier that day and dad and my sister are already seated at the table with Dada, Dadi, Auntie Poppy and Neema.
There are two seats left, clearly for myself and Tanny but before going over, I whisper in Sajid's ear "We're only messing around with your head dude!!! Tanny has long hair but trust me, I prefer my women to be taller, sexier and well...actual women!"
Sajid laughs and trying to cover up his embarrassment of thinking we were gay, makes out that he realised that all along!
"Yeah right dude..." Tanny retorts whilst jokingly stroking his chin and winking, "...not that there's anything wrong with that though!" he says looking Sajid up and down as Sajid and I laugh out loud.
Still smirking as Sajid leaves us to it, Tanny and I head towards our places and as I take my seat, I spot Goldie sulking around in the corner of the room.
Not having been given a seat at the table, he is clearly miffed but at the same time, not wanting to leave in case he misses any gossip or much needed information to probably use to blackmail someone when he plans his next misplaced and poorly judged money-making scam.
I can't help but glare at him as I take my seat,"God - I soooo hate that fucking tosser!" but before anyone notices, I break away from my trance as Dadi announces that in honour of our arrival in the village she has arranged for a whole goat to be prepared and curried for us to enjoy with some amazing chicken biryani, which is a very tasty although VERY calorific oily fried rice with grilled chicken, to celebrate the occasion.
A part of me can't help but flinch at her saying she wanted to celebrate the occasion but I reign myself in as I see a large picture of my gorgeous cousin Asif hung on the wall behind her and remind myself that as vindictive as I might think she is, this was still a mother who had outlived her son so there was no way she meant anything as an insult to my now dearly departed mum.
"A whole goat did you say?" my sister asks looking a bit concerned that when the curry arrives it will contain floating eyeballs and minced goat testicles but Goldie laughs and interjects, "Not to worry, it is not every bit of the goat - merely the tastiest parts."
I lean over and whisper in Tanny's ear whilst he is taking a sip of water out of his glass, "that'll be the cock for him then?" and Tanny practically chokes on the water as he turns to look at me quite shocked and I quickly divert attention from what had been said by patting Tanny on the back and speaking to Dadi.
"Ahem! Sorry about that!...So the tastiest parts?," I say as Tanny settles down, “Does that include the head? I've never had the head as they say it is saved for the most important person of the occasion!"
"Yes - yes it does. And today, your Dada and dad have said it is to go to..." Dadi stops and waves her chubby finger around the room and finally finishes up pointing at me to my surprise,"YOU!"
Everyone chuckles at the table as do the maids and butlers scurrying around filling up our glasses and bringing the massive tray of biryani and pot of goat's curry to each of us and serving massive dollops of each on our plates.
Have to hand it to them, the food really is mouth wateringly good but then again, with the events of the last few days, I had not spotted the fact that I had hardly eaten much until now. I was starving to say the least.
Munching away and clearing almost 4 plates full to everyone's amazement save for my dad and sister who know what a glutton I usually am, Dadi claps her hands and asks the head chef to come through with the goat's head for me.
As if by magic, it arrives - literally a head on a silver platter covered in oily yet magnificent curry sauce.
I mischievously imagine the head arriving being that of Goldie's rather than a poor goat and snicker to myself evilly as the great big thing lands on my plate.
"OOOOfff - baba, you have had 4 plates full. Be careful and it is hot anyway, hotter than we are used to, and the food albeit delicious is extremely rich and oily - you may get Gorom Peth at night!" dad pipes up just as I am going to dig into the meaty skull.
"Gorom Peth? You mean, heated stomach? Naaah - Memo to dad: Gorom Peth is just a myth! Repeat: Gorom Peth is JUST a myth! That's only one of those things people say but I've never known happen" I say chuckling before chomping on every delicious morsel I can find as dad merely sighs heavily in disbelief especially when I take a bite out of the brain which I get the head chef to get out for me from within the skull having sawed it open.
"Who needs a Gorom Peth man, I'm going to be sick as is!" says my sister looking pale as she watches me make like a savage and tear the head apart but there's no stopping me, having not eaten for so long this was bliss!
Finally about 2 hours later, we are all finally done and the servants are clearing everything away...ok, so the reality is it was less so we and more so I in that tradition being as they were, everyone had to wait for almost an hour more than planned despite having finished their food until I was done! And making them wait was well worth it for (a) being able to eat such ridiculous amounts of glorious food and (b) watching my sister becoming ever more and more green as she watched me devour the skull.
"Little brothers - who'd have them? Not I...pity about my sister!" I say to Tanny as we laugh like we're back in secondary school again having practically made my sister ill from my gross brain eating at the table as we walk back to our room having said good night to the family much to their surprise.
Being only 11pm it isn't that late considering traditionally, Bangladeshi people eat at 10pm and don't contemplate sleep until about 1am be they adults or children, but I felt an early night for a change was much needed considering I have had little or no sleep to speak of since mum's passing.
Besides, I wanted to take a bit of time to absorb the atmosphere of nightfall in mum's little village - take in the sounds of the crickets click-clicking away and hear the small house lizards called Tik-tikkies making their distinctive sounds to rival that of the crickets.
It is also hard to miss the serene sounds of the swishing palm trees and rustling of the reeds in the nearby paddy fields swaying over the incredibly warm breeze blowing through the village.
All of these framed by a perfectly black sky scattered with diamonds sparkling down upon us made me realise that the whole journey was worth it, “Hopefully one of these stars looking down is you mum" I whisper as I look up into the sky as Tanny oblivious to my plight, still chuckles away about my sister.
Suddenly, I break away from Tanny and head over to mum to see how she is.
The hole now filled and mound of soil standing up high and proud - I lean over the fence and smile to myself; thinking about how shocked she'd have been if she were here watching me eat as much as I had not to mention goat's brains!
"A part of you would probably have been chuffed that I was given the honour though I'm sure mum!" I say trying to reassure myself that mum wouldn't have felt equally as nauseous as my sister at my efforts.
"Dude, shall I wait for ya or should I let you chat with Auntie?" Tanny calls over as I simultaneously about turn to face him, "No that's cool man - time to turn in!" I say and we continue on into our room.
Whilst the door to the main house is still open to allow the air to flow through, the door to our room is closed shut and knowing what to expect, Tanny and I apprehensively open the door.
Heat pours out of the room like a sauna and we quickly pounce towards the light switches where the switch for the ceiling fan also lies.
As it whirs into action, Tanny and I both pull the collars of our t-shirts away from our necks to allow the air to blow in and sigh in relief as the luke-warm air refreshes us however mildly.
"Man, even with the fan on the room's gonna be boiling!" says Tanny clearly stating the obvious, but not to be put off I reassure him that we'd feel more than comfortable once the fan had done its thing and we had fallen asleep in any event.
And with that we tuck in which is no easy feet - having to manoeuvre our way under the mosquito net hanging over our bed with the precision and speed of cat burglars so as to not allow a kamikaze mossie make their way into the confines of our bed - lifting the net slightly and then in true Indiana Jones style, jumping through the gap and holding the net down before lifting it up again as Tanny leaps in!
All very dramatic which would have been so much better in slow-motion and the famous Indiana Jones theme tune playing but alas, life was not a movie...to my disappointment!
I still laugh though with the thought of the drama especially when Tanny leaps in and lands with such a clunk on the bed, we look at each other suspecting he has broken something of the bed but decide we would play ignorant come tomorrow.
"Night dude...keep that tummy cool til tomorrow before the dastardly Gorom Peth nabs ya!" Tanny jokes as he turns to put his back in my direction and drifts off in what feels like a millisecond.
"All right for some," I wonder raising my eyebrows and wrinkling my forehead as Tanny starts snoring, "well, sure I can do that too given the chance" and with that I close my eyes and focus on drifting off...
...but I can't!
In fact after trying for what feels like almost an hour, my stomach feels bloated and what I can only describe as a bubbling sensation starts happening within.
"What the fuck?!"
I have no idea what is going on but whatever it was, could not be normal. I decide to lie still trying not to wake Tanny and more importantly, thinking calm thoughts will be a good way to overcome this weird sensation.
How wrong could I be.
The bubbling sensation seems to get more and more intense and despite the fan rotating at its maximum speed, blowing hot air continually round the room and me was not helping one iota.
I can feel all the oily, greasy biryani and curry, specifically the creamy brains of the goat, trying to work their way up from the pit of my stomach towards my mouth and suddenly I come to realise what I am experiencing is the dreaded Gorom Peth - the food is so rich that the heat externally is practically making the food cook itself inside and bubble up..."and here I always thought that was just bull to stop gluttons like me from over-indulging."
Initially I still try to lie still hoping the wave of nausea will pass, repeatedly cursing myself for eating so much but worse, taking childish delight out of making my sister feel sick from me gorging on the remains of the goat - "Karma. GOD! I sooooo hate karma!" I moan as my breathing gets heavier trying to suck air in to keep my food down.
It isn't long though before I realise the battle is futile and despite my concerns of waking Tanny up, I needed to bolt to the bathroom ASAP or else forget waking Tanny up with just loud noises and movement, I'd wake him up probably with a pile of sick drowning his legs.
I look around and I cannot exit through any other point bar Tanny's side anyway. Both headboards to the bed are at least 2 foot high to add to the dramatic stylings of the bed and on my side of the bed, was the wall next to which the bed had been crammed towards so I have no other option than to make a jump for it and over Tanny I go.
Desperately pushing the mosquito net whilst arched over Tanny, from underneath the mattress where we had pushed the ends into to stop any mossies flying in later, I struggle to get any of it out for me to get through because of Tanny's dead weight making it difficult.
"Dude - you need to wake up!" I say swallowing hard and my breath still feeling heavy to keep the food down.
"Eh?" sleeping beauty says as he awakens far too slowly for my liking from his slumber.
"I said, you need to wake up man and get outta my fucking way!" I shriek, Tanny practically jumping out of his skull totally startled, but it has the desired effect and I manage to pull out the net from under the mattress and run for it.
I am not quick enough though and this is clearly becoming evident as sick begins working its way up and into my mouth.
I can taste every bit of the biryani and curry I had eaten but the exquisite flavours are ruined due to the presence of huge amounts of acidic stomach fluids in the mix - unlike when I ate it - the taste is far from pleasurable.
I can see the door to the bathroom right in front of me and know given just a moment more, I can make it to the sink and so I gallantly cover my mouth with my hands hoping to stop any embarrassment of having to have one of the staff clean up my mess and know what I had done and for a moment, the food bubbles and swirls around my mouth but remains contained...until it explodes upwards within my mouth, into my nose and spurting out of my nostrils like foam out of a fire hydrant, missing the sink entirely!
Shocked. Embarrassed. Horrified. In absolute fits of hysterics.
These are the only words I can say to explain how I feel once the food has finally left the proverbially "building" and onto the bathroom floor as I half-heartedly run the tap to rinse my mouth out and then throw some water on the floor to wash away the evidence.
I feel truly shite not to mention my nostrils are stinging like a fucker from all the chilli in the curry, but I cannot help but continue laughing hysterically as Tanny walks in after me, having turned the lights on literally as I ejected some goat brains through my nose so bearing witness to my nasal trajectory!
"Now that's something you don't see every day! Man...that would have been awesome on You Tube!" he jokes as he pats me on the back as I hang off the sink, “Seriously though, you okay?"
My forehead is lying flat on the cool ceramic edge of the sink and my breathing is still heavy despite most of the food having long gone, eyes peering towards the ground but Tanny can tell I am laughing at his comment from the shaking of my shoulders.
Catching my breath, I look up over my shoulder at Tanny - "Yeah man, I could be better but I'm fine..." I pause to take another breath and then laugh, "Memo to dad: Gorom Peth is NOT a myth. Repeat: Gorom Peth is NOT a myth!"
And with that we both burst out laughing.
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