By the time I have pushed my way through the plethora of men swarming around mum and her final resting place, Tanny is already waiting at the front of the Mosque with an expression of seriousness and sorrow I am getting all too familiar with but to be honest, have never seen on the crazy pygmy's face until this whole journey started.
"You okay dude?..." he says wearing an uneasy frown on his brow; I look at him and whilst there is a part of me that is desperately trying to find some quip to mock him, I genuinely do not have the strength save for mustering a silent smile.
"If you wanna talk, I'm here for you man..." he pauses hoping I will say something but with the silence being a tad uncomfortable to say the least, he continues, "...although, if you just want to sit quietly and mull things over to yourself, I'm here for you too!"
He reassuringly puts his arm over my shoulder and I just look at him and continue to say nothing. I do however, painstakingly carry on with my pathetic attempt of a smile to give him some comfort in that he has said or done enough.
We silently walk around to where my sister is as I watch the men crowded round mum slowly fill what felt like a never-ending black hole with the soil from her much beloved home and I take a deep breath to stop myself from crying.
I imagine how different it was dealing with difficult problems when mum was around - how she would hug us and tell us not to be silly. To stay strong and push on as life would naturally find a balance but alas, she was not here now.
Still, I did have one parent and as the view of the wreckage that is my sister comes ever closer I wonder where on earth dad is in all this - "Having crawled into the abyss with mum and my sister in utter devastation, you'd think he'd be there to comfort us!"
Suddenly I spy the former shadow of dad swiftly disappearing into the three storied white building clearly trying to get away from the crowds not to mention the incredible heat; probably to mourn in private to hide any signs of weakness especially from the media whom he knows have journalists dotted around everywhere but I cannot help but feel a huge amount of anger and disappointment at this perceived retreat.
"Would have been nice if he could have waited to speak to me and sis! Maybe give us a much needed hug or two!" I think to myself seething inside.
Dad had not even stuck around to at least tell me he was proud of what I had managed to do considering what I did is what Bangladeshis culturally expect the head of the family to do but as mum would say, I was my mother's son so guess, it was always going to rest on my shoulders literally or otherwise to see this through.
I feel my body stiffen and nostrils flare up as my thoughts turn to rage, "Well, I've nothing to say to you either dad, nothing at all!"
I can see Tanny nervously watching the changing expression on my face through the corner of my eye but he says nothing, knowing too well that I was in one of those moods so to break the tension a bit, jogs a few steps forward to charm his way through the wall of women surrounding my sister but this, even for him is a pretty difficult feet.
A gaggle of emotionally charged women can sometimes be bad enough but add to that religious and well, tears and screaming aside you get advice such as "crying in this life will upset your mother" or "she is now in a better place" or better still, "having suffered so long from pancreatic cancer, diabetes and liver failure will mean your mother shall be accepted by the Almighty with open arms as he would welcome a soldier who had given his life up for his home and country".
As lovely as their good intentions were, mum was dead and nothing they could say would improve the situation for my sister so it was definitely up to me to think of something and being in the situation we were in reminded me of what made mum happiest.
Managing to finally reach my sister who is sobbing uncontrollably alongside Auntie Poppy and Neema who are just as bad so in no state to give her any reassurance, by gently shoving passed the numerous other aunties, cousins and twenty-cousins-removed courtesy of Tanny, I lean over and give my sister a hug that would probably take the breath away from even the largest of bears and softly whisper in her ear, "Luv ya loser...but seriously, are you really gonna just sit here and listen to the advice of these lovely ladies or are ya gonna get outta here and call my nut of a bro-in-law and more importantly, those monkeys that I affectionately refer to as my nephews and see how they're doing! The boys need their mother...believe me, I know!"
I smirk a little as my sister pulls away and then thinking about what I have said, despite her eyes being swollen and bloodshot, she manages a weary yet sincere smile but says nothing.
Lips quivering as the upturned expression comes back down, she clears her eyes with the edge of her shawl covering her head and kissing me on my cheek, excuses herself and dashes off into the white building to find her mobile and see how things were back home.
"A mother's love for her children, the ultimate high...who needs drugs!" I mutter under my breath as I stare in the direction of my sister.
Auntie Poppy and Neema almost simultaneously congratulate me on my masterful manoeuvre as I turn to face them and then they ask me how I am doing. Though I want to say so much, I just give them that silent smile that seems to be spreading since burying mum.
Coughing to clear her throat and gain some composure, Auntie Poppy then pipes up, "Well, whatever the case baba, have you seen the state of you huh? Your white pyjama and punjabi are absolutely filthy; these are normally meant to be worn for religious occasions and prayer you know, not rolling around in mud," Aunty Poppy smiles lovingly, her lashes glistening in the fading sunlight where tears lay hanging, "so why don't you go and freshen up and catch up with your cousins and Tanny until we send someone over to give you a call as dinner will be served soon."
With that she calls over to Tanny and asks him to whisk me away to our ramshackled room to get ourselves sorted for the night ahead whilst I automatically smile and nod, though not really taking in anything of what she said as I am initially confused.
"Mud? What mud?" I think to myself staring at my hands as Tanny turns to take me away having received his instructions from Auntie Poppy but struggling to catch my attention.
I stand there mesmerized by the drying mud engulfing my hands and streaks of brown that have stained my bright white cotton clothes and covered my feet.
With everything that had been going on, seems I had just pushed through almost like a soldier following orders without actually taking in what I was doing.
Yes, I was there and present and judging people left, right and centre, but it was almost as if I was watching as a bystander looking in except for those moments when pain kicked in - be it physical or emotional.
I had not even realised the state I was in by way of appearance until now as I was trying to be a real man I guess!
"A real man like my father - doing what needs doing but wallowing in self-pity and sorrow in private and alone as that's the only moment when the truth is allowed to slap you across the fucking face and you can break down and crumble!"
I suddenly feel a great sadness as to how little I have done to communicate with dad since all this had started - both of us trying to be manlier than the other and get on with things rather than actually talk, and considering he was now my only parent, this was heartbreaking.
Tanny finally catches my attention with the hundredth click of his fingers but before he can say anything, looking up, I suddenly realise I need to speak to dad even if to just tell him things were going to be okay, "Be with you in a second dude - just gonna pop over and see dad" and with that I run off to my dad's room.
He is sitting in his air-conditioned box of a room, all the curtains pulled and lying on his bed in the darkness, the air-conditioning whirring away as I knock on the door and enter.
"Hi dad..." I say as he sits up slightly looking sombre and melancholy but at the same time confused to see me.
"Is everything alright? Where is your sister?" he says anxiously, obviously thinking something bad had happened for me to be there!
"Sis is fine dad...sis is fine! Giving her little monkeys a call to see how they are."
Dad looks even more confused so I continue, "As weird as it may sound, the only reason I'm here is that, well, I just wanted to say I love ya and..." I hesitate not really knowing what to say but then continue, "...and errr, just wanted to let you know that I don't want anyone to wash these clothes - plan to keep them as a memento of today. What you, sis and I have been through to fulfill mum's dying wish..." I stop and tearfully stoop my head.
Looking down my clothes, my eyes run over and over again the brown streaks and splodges of dirt tainting the crisp whiteness of the cotton. The last physical remnants of being close to mum.
I want to burst out crying or at the very least, scream with anger but hold back on both and looking back up just ask dad if keeping these items was "Okay?" which is all I can utter.
Dad says nothing but nods affirmatively and then fakes that smile I had become all too familiar with using myself, but this lasts for only a moment before he puts his head in his hands and starts crying.
I stand there for a moment but then go up to him and sitting on the side of the bed, give him a hug to rival that of the one given to my sister. Initially my old man flinches but then he relaxes as I jokily tell him to get showered and changed "...as food was to be served soon and you need to be there dad seeing as we were the celebrities of the occasion...such as it was".
As I rock slightly hugging dad I am both sad but oddly pleased at the same time - sad about the situation of course but pleased that I had worked my way out of my misplaced anger with dad so quickly.
Dad once again says nothing at first and sits there with my arms around him until he pats my arms and jokes that I am crushing him to death to which we both chuckle a little.
I then let go and in total contravention of manliness, kiss dad on the cheek and hug him some more, "You're all sis and I have now dad - but the same goes for you. If you need anything, we're here for you!"
With that I get up from the side of the bed and leave his room to get myself sorted for the evening.
As I turn to shut the door, I see dad looking over and smiling gently he calls after me, "Baba, your mother and I are so proud of you. Always have been and we especially are today - remember that."
I nod respectfully and seal the door shut behind me.
As I begin to walk towards the ramshackled building with his words swimming in my head, I feel a smile - a real smile - suddenly break across my face and infectiously tickle my senses, causing me to feel upbeat for a change and completely surprising me in the process.
"Well what do you know!" I say laughing lightly to myself and shaking my head in disbelief, realisation hitting me out of the blue, "My lame smile actually does have a purpose other than hiding unhappiness - it exudes love as well."
With that, I reach the front door of my building and push the already slightly ajar door open wide with a gusto I had been missing for what felt like an eternity until now and step inside with a giant step, stretching at the same time.
Before I turn to go into mine and Tanny's room though, I peer over my shoulder and lovingly feel myself look over at where dad's room lay and then where mum had now laid her head to rest for the last time and whispering to myself, I thank them for reigniting the warmth within my heart again.
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