Having completed the ferry trip coming back from mum's village and driven a few more hours, we finally stop for lunch, timed Bangladeshi-style though at a leisurely 5pm!
I am absolutely starving but it has helped that the return journey so far has been quite entertaining seeing as it has merely been the driver as the only official supervisory adult in the vehicle and seeing as we parked in a different section on the ferry too away from the elders, we were free to do what we liked.
Okay, so my sister, Tanny and I were clearly over 30 and cousin Neema over 25 but seeing as we were more the Western style - let's all be friends and have a laugh - types, the free-flowing chats and mucking about seemed endless.
I even managed to find out the name of the other elusive lanky cousin: Anik, "Of course! I always knew that but when I last saw him he was such a geek we all used to jokingly call him Anorak."
Until we actually stopped for lunch, the cousins had been asking endless questions: what was England like, how hard did we work, how much did we earn, did we like Bangladesh, did our spouses ever want to visit Bangladesh and so on.
Every time my sister or I had batted one question away, another had come in its place and whilst I could see my sister becoming visibly annoyed at the constant quizzing, I was loving the celebrity-esque attention. Felt like I was a movie-star on some interview show.
Besides, it was lovely to spend some alone time with my closer cousins and kind of forget why we were really there. Instead we could immerse ourselves in the feeling that we had come to Bangladesh not for a sad occasion but a celebratory one; to relish the fact that we had a chance to see family we had long been out of touch with.
During the discussions it was also fascinating to hear what they had to say about their lives in Bangladesh as they compared it to our lives abroad.
Sajid, Anik and little Princess had never lived abroad and although neither had Tanny, he was at least pretty clued up with life in the West from his obsession with Hollywood and collecting Comics...a little like me then...okay - a lot like me then!
They just could not get their heads round the fact that we drove everywhere ourselves, did our own chores like cleaning the house or washing and ironing our clothes and seemed completely gobsmacked that we could ever spend hours a week over a hot stove preparing food for our meals, "How do you have time to do anything else?" Anik kept asking, baffled with our way of life.
"Chores are the least of your worries when you have children eh, big sis?" was a comment that came my sister's way from Tanny as the cousins went quiet to hear her response seeing as in Bangladesh, if someone has any children no matter how old, not only do they have all the support staff but they also have aunties, parents or at least parents-in-law living with them.
They were visibly shocked when my sister pointed out that her and her hubby with my two little nephews lived on their own almost 30 minutes away from our parents and 5 hours from her hubby's!
"Hey Allah!" the equivalent of crying out to God in shock, was all the quizzical cousins could say in unison as Tanny, Neema and I laughed out loud at the horror in their voices.
I laughed then, but thinking about it, it really is a case of pros and cons when you compare the East and the West I guess.
Yes, family and even friends can be overwhelming and in your face in the East to say the least but the amount of support you do get til death do you part is amazing.
There is no such thing as an old people's home. Family always look after their own but there is a cost - a cost of independence and self-reliance.
The children grow up and fly the nest in the West but in the East the eldest child especially where a son, is expected to stay with the elderly parents with his wife and children to look after them all until they pass away.
They lose their independece as far as I was concerned and by being practically gifted everything, property and all from their parents, almost always resulted in these elder children having no sense of making their own way in life!
So what would have been better for mum during her latter days I wonder?
Despite the incredible medical attention mum received in England and support she received, particularly from dad, I can only imagine how much more attention she would have got in Bangladesh if we all lived here.
She would have had family and servants serving her every need...but then again, she would have probably have died within a year of being diagnosed due to the treatments in Bangladesh still being behind that of England's.
"Pick your poison" is all I can think of. There is probably no right or wrong answer as come what may, mum would have died and I emotionally distraught, clawing my way out of an endless black hole.
Anyway, going back to the journey, all the quizzing aside, my cousins were also interested in what I had in my medium sized brown leather satchel that I seemed to permanently have hanging off my shoulder since we landed in Bangladesh and had been travelling around.
"Everything!" my sister said laughingly, "you can blame your auntie - Allah bless her soul - for that. Having sent your cousin to the military scouts for almost six years when we lived in Bangladesh...cos he was a little tearaway!"
"Don't listen to her guys - I was always as good as gold...but if you believe that you'll believe anything!" I said with a wry smile before continuing, "but what is within? Well, that would be telling...as and when we need things you'll see what I have in my magic bag!" and as luck wuld have it, over the next few hours before our stop for lunch, I was continually put in positions that required assistance from the contents of my satchel.
Besides the diving knife I permanently had strapped to my shin which we used to peel and chop up some fruit that we bought whilst on the ferry, my survival instinct as bestowed upon me by mum and the Bangladeshi military scouts, really did mean I had pretty much all angles covered.
I had antiseptic cream and a plaster when Sajid grazed himself on the ferry steps when he slipped, I had an inflatable pillow when Princess fell asleep in the vehicle, I had plastic bags to collect our rubbish as we snacked during the journey back to my cousins' outrage - "we can just throw the rubbish out the window brother - this is not England, it's Bangladesh - no one cares!", cards and a board game were whipped out to keep us entertained whenever cousins mused over replies given and what questions to ask next.
Heck! I even had a multi-tool to tighten the screws on Tanny's shades and non-stick/non-water requiring hand wash for everyone after they had eaten their snacks.
Probably the highlight though was seeing the expression on my sister's face and my annoyance, when I remembered I also had anti-nausea pills for when she started feeling motion sickness, "how did I forget I had those when I had Gorom Peth!" I kept asking myself.
Still, the constant screeches my sister made as our vehicle constantly swerved, jumped, bumbed, dodged and glided along the scarily crowded roads en route made up for that...the lack of seat belts to me made it all the more exciting but her reaction was hilarious especially whenever she noticed us speeding head on towards an oncoming car from the opposite direction!
"Your bag really is magical!" Princess kept saying by the time we parked up for lunch.
"Yep - my friends back home actually call it my Magic Bag for that reason," I said to Princess, "and you guys haven't even seen the cooler stuff yet!" I joked.
The lunch keeping it brief, is more of a banquet then a standard British sandwich with crisps and a drink or even the larger Sunday roasts my sister and I had become accustomed to in merry ol'England.
Set in a massive dining hall of a Chinese restaurant situated on the 15th floor which Dada had booked in advance, we all sit around several long rectangular tables linked together running along a wall of glass over looking the town we had stopped at.
Dada is sitting at the top of one end along the short side of the table on his own with the family spread along either side of the table except for me. Instead I decide sitting on the other end opposite Dada would be fine, not really thinking about Bangladeshi etiquette as I take my seat although I do think it is odd that some of the elders of the family and Dadi in particular are whispering and pointing at me as I do but forget all about it as the food arrives.
It is heaven for a glutton like me. Our nibbles are followed by starters followed by soup followed by huge amounts of fried rice and various chinese curries and then finished off with Asian sweets made of milk-solids. Drinks permanently flow throughout and by the time we finish, I actually regret ever feeling hungry.
"God - I'm stuffed!" Tanny pipes up as he and I finish off our forth plate of gorgeously greasy fried rice with some duck in black bean and chilli sauce.
"Yeah well, considering the lack of self-control I've exhibited, let's pray I don't get Gorom Peth again dude!" I say as I nab and wolf down one last spring roll that cousin Neema still had on her plate but was about to chuck away.
She looks at me totally shocked that I still had any room but eventually breaks into a smile, "Waste not, want not eh?"
"Too damn right!" Tanny chirps as I smile but try not to laugh too hard, mouth full of spring onions and pastry, "besides, he has anti-vomiting pills now, there'll be no stopping him!" which Neema bursts out laughing to and I end up choking to.
As the meal slowly comes to an end, my dad clinks his glass with his unused fork seeing as everyone has been eating with their hands as is the traditional way in Bangladesh to eat, and asks the head of the table to say a few words.
The family including myself, look down the table towards Dada expecting him to say something but before anything is done, Dadi interupts snidely giving me the most horrible glare, "But who is the head of the table? My husband the renowned politician and war hero or my nephew who has not been back for over 10 years?"
Everyone especially Dada, give Dadi an awkward stare for even having to make an issue of myself sitting at the other end of the table - but I suddenly realise what the issue is; inadvertently it seems I had challenged Dada's authority by taking the seat opposite at the table when I should have sat on one of the sides.
However, not to be outdone and made to feel more of a fool than Dadi had already tried to make me feel, I quickly remark, "Well Dadi, two heads - be they on top of a body or of a family - surely are better than one?"
There is silence initially and everyone looks at Dada for his response.
Thankfully, the big guy starts laughing which in turn leads to everyone else following suit...save for Dadi of course.
"I managed to diffuse the situation but how petty is that though - as if I had nothing better to do than to try and challenge Dada.
I love and respect him too much and besides, there would be nothing for me to gain in even doing so!" I mused angrily.
As Dada says a few words, thanking us all for being such great company so far and how proud mum would have been of all of us, particularly my sister and I, my sister can tell I'm a little miffed regarding Dadi's stupid comment so tries cheering me up.
"Nice answer bro, not just prepared for anything with that Magic Bag of yours but with what little brain you have too!" she pauses but I just give her a tight-lipped smile, "Oh c'mon, leave it...you know what mum used to say...when anyone says anything negative to you take it with a pinch of salt, but when it is Dadi, take it with a pound of salt!"
I smile slightly more as I decide she is right.
There were several reasons why mum really did not like Dadi but shit-stirring was numero uno!
Spying a sweet left over on Princess' plate I go on to choose cheering myself up even more by stealing it away before the restaurant staff do and it tastes delightful.
"Nothing like comfort eating!" I say to Tanny mouth half full as he laughs as subtley as possible so as to not interrupt Dada's little speech.
By the time I have rinsed down the remnants of the sweet with the last swig of my coke, I have completely missed what Dada has said save for "Right, we must get moving again" and find myself leading my end of the table up and out to our vehicle.
As we get on board and take our seats to continue on, Anik who is shutting the sliding door of our vehicle stops abruptly holding the door ajar halfway due to Goldie running towards us shouting at the top of his voice, "Wait...wait!"
Anik who is seated on the middle row in the passenger section and nearest the door, pulls it open and we all peer out, "I am bored sitting with the elders so am going to join all of you for the rest of the trip!" Goldie says.
I want to tell the guy to fuck off and wish I had something in my Magic Bag to make the loser disappear but Sajid, Anik and Princess are so excited with the prospect that I don't have the heart to do anything.
Instead as it is almost 730pm at this point, I decide the most strategic option is to pretend to be tired and try and sleep - no point in making a scene and engage the enemy!
However, there was no way I was going to sit next to him and as I move from the front row to swap seats with one of the cousins at the back, my sister follows.
I smirk as my sister rolls her eyes as we ask Sajid and Princess who are seated on the back row to move to the front to allow Goldie to have a seat with them seeing as they are smaller and slimmer and they move obligingly.
Tanny in the meantime having overheard what Goldie has said has simultaneously gotten out of his seat next to the driver to see if Goldie would rather sit there and thus give myself and my sister as much space as possible from the idiot.
However he is surprised to see us moving to the back as he peers in, and I shrug my shoulders at him and using my head, usher him to go back to his seat; "the cousins adored him so why upset them by putting their favourite uncle out of reach" is my reasoning as much as it pains me.
Neema and Anik remain seated in the middle row seeming totally oblivious to all the moving around but then again, there is no need for them to do anything so they just chat away as we too and fro around them.
As we set off Goldie is boisterously telling jokes and playing with Princess and Sajid who are seated either side of him and the more he laughs, the more irritated I am getting.
I can't seem to help it.
Luckily, I dig my hands into my Magic Bag and pull out some ear plugs and a blindfold as well, getting ready to shut him and the world out for the last leg of the journey but my sister sees my trinkets and pulls such a Bambi-esque face with her eyes all wide and bottom lip up-turned, I hand them over to her and she dozes off to sleep in an instant thanks to me!
As I look at her I grumble to myself, "Grrrr, soooo annoying!" with Goldie's maddening laughter rattling my eardrums more and more.
As Goldie is hitting Sajid over the head with the inflatable pillow I had given to Princess to use for her sleep earlier, he spots me looking over and out of the blue calls over to me, "Not sleeping baba?"
Anik and Neema turn to look at me over their shoulders as I look at them and back to Goldie, "Nah, thinking of home - wondering what my lovely wife is doing so might text her!"
"Yes, yes - go ahead...but won't she be at work now? Aren't they 6 hours behind us or something in England?" he informs me smugly.
"Yep, but doesn't mean she can't read a text!" I say in response.
Slightly irritated at my response, he continues,"Well, we all can't wait to meet her...although, before you bring her here, you will make sure she has become a Muslim first won't you? I mean we all know she is English so perhaps Christian and that your mother was very liberal minded but now that she is gone, surely you won't allow her to remain a Christian."
I am pretty sure Goldie is doing this purely to get a rise out of me so try and remain calm. However, to my surprise, Neema has gotten equally as annoyed.
"No. She isn't Muslim. Why? Is that a problem?" Neema asks having met my wife several times when she studied in England and being quite good Facebook buddies with her.
"Hmmm, that is not good you see. Maybe not in this life but in the afterlife it will mean she will burn in hell!" Goldie says to Neema with the most wicked grin.
"Is that meant to be funny coz it really is not!" I finally say angrily; Neema echoing my sentiments as well with a moan.
Tanny at this point is practically perched with his back to the windscreen staring at the back of Goldie's neck pulling the evillest look I've ever seen, whilst Sajid and Anik have both frozen in their seats.
"Why will she go to hell?" Princess asks.
Looking away from Neema and locking eyes with me, Goldie lovingly strokes Princess' cheek and actually has the audacity to say very seriously, "Hell is where all non-Muslims go little one as they are not pure enough for heaven!"
"What the fuck?!" I shout out.
How dare he go around inciting such stupid and ridiculous schools of thoughts in people's minds let alone someone as innocent as Princess but I don't have to say much more.
Always trying to be ready for anything with my Magic Bag, I am still taken by complete surprise as controversially Neema, Sajid and Anik break the norm of having to agree with whatever elders say and begin arguing a considerable amount with Goldie in the defence of their sister-in-law and non-Muslims of the world!
As sweat starts gathering on Goldie's forehead from having to take this bollocking from my cousins, I just look over at Tanny with genuine pride in my eyes that these cousins of mine who had no idea of what life was like beyond Bangladesh were so forward thinking that they knew instantly that what Goldie was spouting was pure, unadulterated bull shit!
Plus, they were willing to risk getting told off by their parents later for such unruly behaviour for my wife, a person they had not even met but whom they clearly loved all the same as she was the other half of my being.
Before Goldie has a chance to respond to yet another one of Neema's well founded queries as to what makes a Muslim more superior to another human being though, the driver's mobile goes off and answering for only a brief moment, he slams on the brakes and the car jolts to a halt, "Could everyone please hold on tight, I must turn around urgently!"
As the vehicle does a massive U-turn in the middle of the road, my heart starts beating faster - something was clearly not right and that was not in reference to the lack of brain cells Goldie had.
"What's wrong...what's happened?!" I shout across the cabin to the driver while at the same time, shaking my sister out of her slumber with one arm.
"There has been...an accident," he says hesitantly, "...try not to be alarmed but Dada's vehicle has been run off the road. It has crashed into a tree so we have been asked to hurry back there now!"
I start panicking, "Fuck Goldie and his stupid thoughts, dad was in that vehicle with Dada and Dadi and none of them with fucking seat belts!"
My priority now was to use every ounce of energy I had to hope and pray everyone involved in the accident was alright.
I had already lost my mum but to lose dad as well on this journey would probably destroy every little part of me that had started believing life could only get better.
As we drive like crazy towards the scene of the crash, we all sit in silence not knowing what to expect. I can see each of the cousins and even Goldie occasionally look at one another but no one knows what to say until Princess climbs up on to her seat and facing towards the back looks at me, "Don't worry - your bag is magic - I know you will be able to find something that will make everything better!"
I look into her bright and hopeful eyes and smiling weakly, clutch my Magic Bag tightly – I had prepared for most things but nothing like this – so I start praying.
If Allah was watching, what we needed right now was something a little less magic and more of a miracle to get us out of this disaster.
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