Having had a relatively calm journey crossing the river, we are on the other side and once again zooming along in the confines of our ambulance which has begun to feel like a mechanised prison - the four walls beginning to feel claustrophobic and even with the sun having long gone and the air conditioning humming away, the heat is still somewhat irritating. The no frills and lack of suspension not helping matters either as we bounce constantly up and down over the dilapidated roads.
Still, I wanted to travel with mum so I remind myself that it is unfair to bitch and moan about the position I find myself in. Besides, so far the journey has been running relatively smoothly to be honest; since we left Dhaka, traffic has not been too bad which is a rarity bearing in mind that it normally tends to be a nightmare in Bangladesh with one having to add at least 2hours to every 1 mile trip if they want to get somewhere on time so I quit complaining and shut up.
I peer out of the window whilst the rest of the gang are fast asleep now; besides the whispers of the driver and his navigator sitting next to him in the front cabin, all I can hear is the rumble of the engine and all I can feel is the occasional bump and swerve caused by the uneven roads full of pot-holes.
Darkness surrounds us everywhere as there are no street lights or road markings anywhere. I spot the occasional flicker of oil-filled lanterns in little huts hidden away on the roadside and stray dog flitting in and out of the woods, eyes gleaming from our headlights.
My mind starts to wander again and I find myself back at my parents' house in England within the warm embrace of my wife - her arms hanging over my shoulders and head peering over mine as I sit laughing away with mum and the rest of the family - only a few months ago during Easter.
Somehow I sensed things were not going well at all so my wife and I preemptively travelled down to my parents' house a few days prior to the Easter break so that we could all spend some quality time together...quality time...an extra 3 days on top of Easter! Frankly, if I'd known how soon thereafter she was going to leave us I would have quit my job and stayed with her until the end..."but hindsight is 20:20 I guess and there is no point having regrets" I say to myself.
I go back to thinking about the amazing time we all had - despite her failing health, mum was in such high spirits with all of us there and it was great to see her laugh. Having been in hospital for four consecutive months running over Christmas and into the New Year, she was delighted to be home that March let alone have us all rallying around her in the April, that just made her ecstatic though she did not have the energy to show it as much as I am sure she would have wanted to.
Despite her smiles, she had become a mere slither of the woman she was and by then, her skeletal form with cancer ridden pancreas and failing liver causing her stomach to swell, was more or less confined to a wheelchair.
I suddenly surprise myself by laughing a little, warmly remembering even at that stage, how tough mum was, "If I resign myself to that chair, it is all over" she used to say and with that she used to try stand up and walk a few steps before having to rest on her walking stick or us jumping to her aid.
"Soooo stubborn..." I murmur to myself with a chuckle.
However, her resentment of the chair really was a double edged sword as though she hated what it implied, going anywhere was difficult without it which meant mum had inadvertently confined herself to the house through this hatred and sense of embarrassment caused by having to rely on it.
But for me, enough was enough.
Spring was in the air, flowers were blossoming and as corny as it sounds, I knew then that staying indoors would do mum more harm than good; wallowing in self-pity and suffering her pain rather than soaking up the beauty of what lay around her beyond the isolation she had created.
So I dragged her out - at first kicking and screaming - and driving to the nearest park, forced her to swallow her pride and get in her chair as I wheeled her around whilst dad, my sister and her family and my wife trailed behind us all chatting away as the cool spring sun beat down on us.
At first she said nothing, almost throwing a tantrum for having to be out in her wheeled monstrosity but after a few jokes from me and flowers presented to her by my baby nephews, she began to relax and forget her woes.
My favourite moment of that day begins to push tears through my eyes as I recall mum sitting in her chair next to me with myself sitting on a bench, watching the family kicking a ball around on the open fields of the park.
I was babbling on to mum how ridiculous dad and my brother-in-law looked trying to out do my sister, wife and nephews with their attempts to be professional footballers whilst the others just wanted to have a laugh when Mum put her hand on mine and very softly spoke to me: "thank you baba..." she said, pausing slightly before continuing, "I love you so much for being as pushy as me! Definitely your mother's son, eh?" and with that we laughed for a bit before I lent my head on her shoulder and began to cry...we said nothing more to each other that day until we came home and even then, it was Khan family chaos as usual which mum thrived on.
Suddenly my sad thoughts are broken by the driver's mobile phone going off and upon answering it, the driver jolts our ambulance to a halt and jumps out - asking none of us to leave the vehicle until we hear otherwise.
Except for Tanny, the jolt wakes my sister, Auntie Poppy and Neema up from their slumber but before they can ask me what is going on, I have already jumped out of the vehicle and drying my eyes with my shirt, follow the driver to the front of the convoy where Dada's 4x4 awaits.
Dada goes to speak to the driver but is clearly annoyed to see I am close behind him, "I thought I said to you to ask everyone to remain on board?" he says bluntly to the driver as the driver looks at me and then sheepishly looks to the ground.
"He did Dada, but you know me - my mother's son and all" I jest to take the attention away from the poor guy and break the tension, "so what's the story?"
"I have been alerted by one of your uncles who works in the Highways Control Services that a truck has overturned further on and is currently blocking the road and there are a handful of officers and some local people trying to get it sorted..." Dada says but before he goes on I interrupt completely exasperated, "It's going to take blooming ages to sort isn't it? I mean, there's hardly going to be roadside assistance in these neck of the woods is there!! Man, I knew things were going too smoothly!!!"
"Baba, do you know what? I would be happy to wait a bit and find out that was the true problem but as your uncle said to me when he called, there is a lot of corruption in this country so until we know exactly what the situation is, with us being who we are and who your mum is, it would not surprise me if this all turned out to be a ploy to mug or kidnap us or something of that nature - unfortunately you're a long way off from England now!" Dada says looking very serious, "I want everyone to stay in their vehicles and for your little uncle [in other words, Goldie!] to go on ahead by foot just to check the position out before we do anything else. For now I want you to go back to the ambulance and rest but don't tell anybody anything just yet as it will only worry them, okay?"
I stare at Dada clearly looking confused, angry and annoyed all at the same time - this was not some Bollywood movie but real life, did he realise what he was saying was totally ridiculous, "As if someone would knock a tree down in the middle of the night to block us with the view to fucking kidnap us...as if we're that special or even that loaded" I think to myself as I watch Dada's lips moving saying something reassuring I'm sure but not taking in a word he is uttering, "Mum? Why the heck are we blooming here and not England again!!??"
Suddenly a familiar voice travels from the darkest depths of the 4x4 and manages to catch my attention, "It sounds all very serious for now but chances are it will be nothing. Your Dada is wanting to be careful that is all so go back to your mummy and sister for now okay?"
Although I can hardly see him with there being no lights anywhere, I recognise the calming voice of my dad instantly and breaking out of my weird trance I decide to grit my teeth and stop pulling awkward faces and instead, bid the elders farewell for now and slump my way across to the ambulance.
As I near our ambulance dodging the numerous cracks and holes in the tarmac, I see Goldie hopping out of his carrier; thankfully I can't see his face or that glistening gold tooth of his because of the pitch black surroundings but he does holler over to me as I pass, "Ok baba?"
I want to answer back but refrain myself from saying anything and ignore him completely. If anyone would arrange something as deranged as trying to have us mugged or kidnapped it would be Goldie for sure seeing as his sense of morals is down in the gutters at best so making polite chit-chat with him was not high on the agenda for me especially when potentially, his ploy may be coming together.
I suddenly pause and realise how in an instant, my family has managed to make me as paranoid as they are and I begin to laugh hysterically at how crazy the whole situation is and with that start walking again towards the ambulance where I spot Tanny hanging out of the back with my sister in tow, "Dude, wassup? What's been going down?"
I pause for a moment and take a deep breath as I rationalise the decision made by Dada before I say anything after all, despite my annoyance at how stupid it all sounded, I had to respect the fact that Dada has been living in Bangladesh for many years, not I, and done more things than I could ever imagine, so if he didn't know the best way to deal with things in this country no one would...
...almost like if I could turn back time and experience losing mum again, I would do that. Even though the pain would be unbearable knowing that there was nothing we could do to make her better, I would then have the chance to at least spend double the amount of time I actually did with her in reality. With experience comes knowledge with knowledge comes hindsight.
And with that thought in mind I look at my sister and Tanny both of whom are staring at me eagerly anticipating a detailed update and I merely say, "Hindsight's what's been going down, dude - hindsight".
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